Shayna had expected to leave her mother's house furious about being lied to, but instead, their talk had given her a lot to think about. And since her mother had insisted that Julian spend a few days with her, Shayna had the long drive home alone to spend thinking.
All this time she had been comparing her life to a life she thought she had been entitled to, but denied. She could look at Lucy, who grew up in a mansion with servants and think about how that could have been her life if her father had accepted her too. She imagined all the things she could have done if she had had Lucy's upbringing. She would tell herself that if she had grown up with those advantages she would have never taken them for granted. She could look at the choices that Lucy had made and tell herself that she could have done better if she had only been given the chance. But it never could have been her life, because Clifford Stuart never was her father.
She had spent so much time and effort trying to be perfect to show what she was capable of and to try to make up for the mistakes she had made in the past. She hated to admit when she was wrong.
After talking with her mom about her relationship with Andrew, she realized she was holding on to her perfectionism and her pride at the cost of her relationship. She had unilaterally made plans to move out to make sure that she and Julian were taken care of regardless of Andrew. By leaving first, rather than waiting for Andrew to reject and abandon her, she would have the upper hand and maintain control of her life and keep her dignity intact. In her desire to keep everything running according to her standards, she had left Andrew out entirely and that wasn't fair. She didn't know how things would end up between them, but she knew they needed to talk it out. She owed him and herself that chance. That was why she agreed to let Julian stay with her mom while she made the hours drive back to Bay Pointe to talk it out with Andrew.
When she pulled into the driveway at dusk, she was surprised to see Amanda's car in the driveway. She knew Amanda had planned to drop Meghan off earlier in the day, but she should have been long gone by now.
When Shayna stepped out of the car, she could see Amanda, Andrew, and Meghan together in her kitchen, talking and looking like they were having a good time. That was a situation she was not prepared to walk into.
As she started to retreat to her car, she ran into someone walking up to the driveway. "Hello? Who are you?"
"Oh hey, I'm Ben, Amanda's boyfriend. You must be Shayna, right? I've heard a lot about you." As he greeted her he took note of Amanda's car in the driveway. "It looks like she's still here. I was afraid she left without me."
"Apparently, she's still inside," Shayna motioned to the kitchen window. "Has she been here long?"
"Since early this afternoon," Ben said. He seemed bewildered as he looked at his watch and calculated how many hours had passed. "I was just going to stop by the neighbors' for a few minutes while she dropped Meghan off, but I must have lost track of time." Ben shook his head, trying to shake off the confusion he was feeling. "Are you going in or leaving?"
"I'm leaving," she said as she opened her car door. "Feel free to go inside. You don't need to mention that you saw me."
As Shayna got into the car, Ben walked up to the house and knocked. Andrew opened the door just as Shayna was backing out of the driveway.
"Was that Shayna?" he asked.
"She didn't want me to say so, but yes."
Andrew frowned as she watched her drive away. He stepped aside to let Ben into the house. "Was her son with her?"
"As far as I could tell, she was alone."
"Oh, Ben, there you are," Amanda greeted him cheerfully. "I was wondering if you were ever coming back."
"I'm sorry. I don't know how the time got away from me," he said. He was having trouble figuring out how so many hours had passed. It didn't seem like he could have possibly been at the Kitteridges for nearly as long as he had been. "I hadn't planned to be there that long, but Zara's mother kept pressing me to stay. I thought you would have called or come over to get me when you were ready to go."
"I guess you weren't the only one who was enjoying themselves so much that they lost track of time," Amanda shrugged.
As he looked around the living room, Ben could see the evidence of the day they had spent together, Christmas desserts, discarded wrapping paper, and a stack of board games on the floor. It looked so cozy. When he saw Amanda, Andrew, and Meghan together, they looked like a complete family unit with no room for him. He was as much to blame for spending as much time with Zara's family as he had, but couldn't help feeling left out and out of place.
* * * * *
After the chaos of Christmas Day, the Arrendale kids were worn out and headed to bed early, leaving Lawrence alone with the remnants of the holiday.
He had tried his best to make the holiday everything it should be for his children. They followed all the traditions with Christmas cookies, stockings, and presents. They spent the day together watching holiday classics, singing songs, and playing games. He hoped he was making good memories for his children and making up for the time he couldn't be there and had to leave them in the care of housekeepers and nannies, but to him, none of it seemed like enough.
Eileen had been the one who had made the holidays special with the love she had for him and the children and the light that she brought everywhere she went. Without her, he was just going through the motions and no matter what he did, everything felt hollow and incomplete. He tried his best, but he knew he was a poor substitute.
He thought about their last Christmas together and how small the children were then. Now the boys were entering their teenage years and Lorna had known as many Christmases without her mother as she had spent with her. Soon Christmas without their mother would be the norm and the few holidays they had all spent together would be too long ago for them to fully remember.
He sighed and went into the dining room to retrieve a bottle of brandy to pour himself a nightcap before heading to bed.
As he passed by the front window, he noticed a light on in the community building across the street and wondered who could be there at this time of night. Shayna kept track of who used the space, but he didn't think anyone had used it recently and simply left the lights on. He decided to go over to investigate.
Lawrence opened the door to the community building as silently as possible and quietly walked inside. He didn't expect anyone dangerous to be in the building, but he was starting to wish he had brought a baseball bat or something to defend himself just in case.
When he heard a rustling noise coming from the conference room, he crept forward cautiously. As he reached for the doorknob, the door suddenly swung open inches in front of him. He leaped back and gasped as the person on the other side of the door jumped and cried out in surprise at the same time.
"Lawrence! Oh my god, you scared me half to death," Shayna exclaimed as she tried to catch her breath.
"I could say the same to you. I saw the lights on. What are you doing here?"
"I-" Shayna started, trying to come up with a reasonable excuse, but she was drawing a blank. "I didn't know where else to go."
Lawrence frowned. "What's wrong? Did something happen at home?"
"I don't think I even have a home," Shayna cried. The admission of that out loud and thinking about everything that had gone wrong in her life was overwhelming and she found herself unable to keep her composure. "I couldn't go back there, not with Amanda and Meghan at the house. I tried to find a hotel, but they were all booked, and I realized I had nowhere to go."
Lawrence was startled when Shayna threw herself into his arms and sobbed, but he tried to comfort her.
"Come on," he said, as he encouraged her to stand on her own, turned off the lights, and led her across the street to his house.
As they walked through the front door, he invited her to sit down in the living room while he retrieved the bottle of brandy, two glasses, and a box of tissues. As she wiped away her tears, he poured each of them a drink.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No, I really don't," she said. She downed her drink in one gulp and motioned for Lawrence to hand her the bottle so that she could pour herself another.
She leaned back into the couch and for the first time all day, let her body fully relax. She was suddenly aware of how exhausted she was.
"If you need a place to stay the night, you can stay here," Lawrence offered.
Shayna shook her head as she set her glass on the coffee table. "No, I couldn't. I'll just do what I should have done in the first place and go face Andrew. I shouldn't have imposed."
As she stood to leave, she stumbled, but Lawrence was quick to catch her before she fell.
"How much have you had to drink?" he asked concerned.
"Just the one glass, but I just drove ten hours round trip to and from my mother's and I haven't slept in 36 hours. I'm just so tired. Once I get some sleep, I'll be fine."
She tried to walk away, but Lawrence stopped her. "You can sleep here on the couch. Stay."
Shayna looked up into Lawrence's eyes, just inches away from her own. She had always recognized that he was a handsome man, but now with his expression filled with such kindness and concern and pleading for her not to go, she felt overwhelmed by him. Lately, every interaction she had with Andrew had been argumentative and critical. It was nice to feel like someone, for a moment, actually cared. In an impulsive moment of weakness, she leaned forward and kissed him and to her shock, he didn't immediately push her away.
Feeling lonely and vulnerable, Lawrence let himself get caught up in the kiss until he suddenly came to his senses and pulled away. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let that happen."
"You don't need to feel guilty," Shayna said gently. "I initiated it. I've just been feeling so lonely lately and I thought maybe you were feeling the same way too. It's okay to reach out to someone for comfort. It doesn't have to mean anything more than that."
When she kissed him again, he tried to give in to her advances. It had been so long since he had held a woman in his arms and felt another's lips on his. The last time had been on that doomed cruise five years ago, the last time he had spent with Eileen.
Maybe it didn't have to mean anything, but to him it still did. He pulled away and took a few steps back.
"I'm sorry. I can't do this." He quickly backed out of the room. "Feel free to stay on the couch. Help yourself to the linen closet or anything else you need. Good night."
As Lawrence made his hasty retreat, Shayna sighed and sat down with her head in her hands. When would this rash of bad decisions come to an end?
No comments:
Post a Comment